How to “Level Up” A Casual Friendship

Just as much as you’re going to grow and change, it makes sense that your wants and expectations of your friendships will grow and change as well. So, if you used to love having 30 casual friends and now you want three very close friends because you just don’t have the energy for anything else, that is great. 

The truth is if you have even one person in this world who feels like a good friend to you, you’ve won. But it’s still so easy for that doubt to creep in, that fear that tells you you’ll only be complete once you have whatever idea of friendship perfection you have in mind. And then on other days, you’re completely fine with the friends you currently have, and your concerns lie more with figuring out how close of friends you want to be, and where this friendship is headed. 

How do you know who to let into your inner circle? How do you know how to do it? What words do you use? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that spark with an acquaintance or friend and tried to level them up, only to realize that we’re not compatible beyond that initial spark, or that we’re much better as casual friends. 

Because of this process of having to “level back down,” I’ve often refrained from leveling anyone up at all; the risk of that rejection on either end leaves me feeling like it’s not worth it to even try. However, my friend once told me people in your life can move backward and forward through those roles, and it’ll all take care of itself, and she’s right. 

So if you’re ready to move between these categories, one or both of you has to take that chance. Here’s how you level up friendships: 

1. Share a little more about yourself with each other. This can be as personal as you want it to be, but often the things that bring us closer are shared experiences, shared dreams, shared goals, shared fears. And you can only know you share those things by, well, sharing them with each other. 

2. Invite them to group outings and have them meet your other friends, thereby bringing each other into your worlds a little more.

3. Just keep getting to know them, in whatever way feels comfortable for you both, and whatever the friendship is meant to be will start to crystallize. Once it does, you’ll either know exactly “what you are” or you’ll feel the need to have The Talk. 

Yes, the idea of having a formal relationship talk with a friend sounds ridiculous. But sometimes you really do need to know if they’re as close to you as you are to them, even if it seems cooler to “not label it.” How many times have you told a romantic interest that you didn’t care if you labeled things, when you actually kind of did care? My guess is too many. Similarly, our friendships matter, and what we call them matters, and the process of wading through those uncertain ties and how challenging it can be for many of us matters. 

It’s very human to want to make sure you’re not too invested, or caring too much, or feeling like this is more valuable to you than it is to them. And if you’re feeling that, it’s really important to get clarity so you can stop constantly worrying if they like you like you (but as friends). The way to do that is personal to you, of course, but if you need help with broaching this really tricky subject, here is how I — someone who hates talking about this stuff and knows the feeling of death by a thousand cuts that this kind of vulnerability can resemble — do it. 

In a perfect scenario, it’s clear that both of you want to level this friendship up because you’re both reciprocating and driving the friendship forward. But if that’s not the case, because of your respective insecurities or being socially awkward, here’s what I’d advise. 

You can start off by saying something, like, “I know you probably have a ton of close friends already, obviously, you’re great. This friendship is really wonderful and important to me, and I’d love for us to be closer, if you’d like to. How do you feel about it?” 

This acknowledges that, yes, everyone has friends, and you’re not trying to make it sound like you jumped off an alien spaceship and this is the only friend you’ve ever met, but this friendship really means something to you. You want to acknowledge how special that is to you, and maybe to them. The right friends for you will hear that and think, “Oh my goodness, I was thinking the same exact thing! This is really awesome, and we’re becoming so close and it’s so great!” The wrong people will not be on the same page as you or will have more neutral feelings about it. And at that point, it’s up to you what to do with that information. 

Good friendships are about two people mutually getting what they need from each other and being able to communicate openly to get to that point together. 

This means that someone might see your relationship as a more casual friendship but you want something more, and it’s at this point that you need to ask yourself if you’d really be comfortable being casual friends with someone you really want to be close to. Just in the same way that sometimes you don’t always want to be just friends with someone you’re falling in love with. Taking a look at how you truly feel about this, without judgment, is so important. If you’re not willing to accept the depth of friendship they’re offering, and you keep hoping they’ll change, you might be setting yourself up for heartbreak. 

There are definitely people I don’t want to be casual friends with after they’ve been my go-to best friend for years. I don’t want to have that shift; it feels too sad. But sometimes I’ve stayed in it just the same, hoping it will shift back. Many times, it has, and it was worth waiting, despite the periods of my feeling awkward and a little forgotten, and keeping the faith that we would be closer again once the timing was right. 

Having that talk will, at the very least, clear up how they’re feeling about you, so you don’t have to wonder or guess or be nervous about it. It clears the air for you to know a bit more about how to proceed in this situation.  

Leveling down can feel like a breakup, and sometimes it is that simple, but sometimes it’s just a shifting of expectations — seeing it less as “I thought this person would be there for me like a close friend, but it’s just casual to them” and more as “This person is capable of less than what I need, but there are ways they can show up for me. Because these are the ways they can show up for me, I’m going to adjust my expectations of what kind of friendship we have.” 

It’s really a gift you give yourself and, consequently, the other person as well. To be able to alter a dynamic so neither of you is constantly feeling disappointed or disappointing is a huge relief. To be able to see clearly that life changes, we change, and sometimes people can be closer to us, or not as close, and to honor those feelings while also still asking for what we truly need is really the best thing you can do for your friendships. 

Being a good friend doesn’t mean simply going along for the ride while the other person guides the friendship wherever they want to take it. You are allowed to say that you’d like this person to be X type of friend, and if they see it differently, they are allowed to say so as well. And then it is absolutely within your rights, and theirs, to either be OK with that difference or to part ways, no harm, no foul. 

The most important thing to remember is that you were not made to endure your friendships. You were made to enjoy them. Adjust the levels as necessary.

This excerpt was adapted from the new book You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult by Lane Moore, published by Abrams Image. Text copyright © 2023 Lane Moore.