By Susan Solomon Yem
One of the first questions my attorney asked when I initiated divorce proceedings was whether I wanted to reclaim my maiden name or keep the name I took at our wedding. Without hesitation, I said I would keep my married name. It was for one reason only – to have the same last name as my five children.
Ironically, two of those children have decided to use my maiden name as their last name. Although neither one went through the legal process to make a permanent change, both now identify themselves as Solomons.
Dropping dad’s name in favor of mom’s grabs headlines when a celebrity kid does it. All six of Angelina Jolie’s and Brad Pitt’s children dropped Pitt from their last name. Vivienne is the most recent to petition the court for a legal name change. Suri, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, is now using her mother’s middle name, Noelle, as her last name.
While it’s not a common request from young adults, it is a choice more are considering in the wake of the dissolution of their parents’ marriage. “People aren’t doing this very often, but they are asking about it,” says Erin Levine, CEO and founder of Hello Divorce, an online platform available in all 50 states that automates the legal and financial logistics of divorce and partners clients with a network of credentialed attorneys, mediators, and financial analysts. “When they consider the expense and the stress it might put on the post-divorce relationship, they’re not necessarily following through.”
The Name Game
A study from The Female Quotient, The Knot, and SmithGeiger Group on women’s name choices, called The Maiden Name Debate: The Power of a Name in Business and Beyond, determined that 77% of women take their husband’s last name when they marry. While no study has been done on what percentage take back their maiden name when they divorce, a YouGov survey found that 36% of respondents believe a woman should revert to her original last name. There is no data on children in the U.S. who choose to use their mother’s name after their parents split. Levine comments, “I’ve rarely seen kids fully drop dad’s last name except in situations where dad is completely out of the picture. What I have seen more of lately is a hyphenated last name, or mom’s name added as a middle name.”
A Name Change Makes a Statement
“My dad was never around,” says Sara Tanner. “It just didn’t feel right to have his last name when he wasn’t a part of my life.”
Tanner, who lives in New Hampshire with her two sons, felt more connected to her grandfather, who stepped in to help her mom raise her and her older sister. “I wanted his last name because he was my father figure.”
“A name is an important piece of identity,” says California-based marriage and family therapist Stephanie Hanger. “Who am I if I just name myself? What does that do for me? Does that give me some independence? Does that give me a sense of loyalty to the one I feel more connected to?”
Tanner never informed her father that she was changing her name. “I didn’t care what my dad thought,” she recalls. “I don’t even think he realizes I changed my last name. I never told him.”
Bria Rivello, an author and outreach coordinator from New Jersey, did want her father to know she was going to start using her mother’s maiden name as her last name. “I was raised by my mother,” she explains. “I wanted to use her name, but I was concerned about how my father might react. I told my dad, ‘This isn’t personal. ‘It’s not to spite you.’”
“You can go to someone that you have a relationship with, whether it’s estranged or close, and start the conversation by saying, ‘It’s important to me to discuss this with you because I care about what’s between us,’” Hanger counsels. “Tell them your intention around changing your name so there is clarity between you about why you’re doing this.’”
Rivelle was concerned about how her dad would react, but didn’t let that stand in the way of making the change. “Other people’s opinions always affect you in some way,” she comments. “But I learned through my Al-Anon program to do what I need to do for myself.”
It Doesn’t Have to be Permanent
Like my children, Bria started using her mother’s maiden name while she was in college, which Hanger considers a developmentally appropriate time to try on a different identity.
“I often see young adults at college start to use their mother’s maiden name in practice,” says Levine. “They tell me that at some point they’ll get married and likely decide what name they’ll want then, which is when they do it legally.”
“There’s a lot of freedom in being able to change your name and then change your name back,” Hanger suggests. “Play with something first to see how it feels.”
The Legal Process is Lengthy and Expensive
“It’s not a quick process and it costs money,” Levine warns. “It’s not easy, but it’s totally possible.”’
Although it varies state to state, Levine estimates the cost at around $800.
The first step is to petition the court. Most states require some sort of public notice, either in a newspaper or online. Many require a background check and fingerprinting to ensure the petitioner is not attempting to evade criminal charges or default on a loan. Then there’s a hearing before a judge who asks the reason for the name change.