By Leslie Price and Marquita Harris
In January, we asked readers without kids to describe their relationships with their friends who are mothers. Responses poured in; some surprising, some devastating. We were moved by how much kindness, understanding, and patience were captured in all of your thoughtful words.
What we gathered from your responses (and from our personal experiences on both sides), is that anyone who says their friendships didn’t shift after one friend became a mom is being less than truthful. Dynamics and priorities change; keeping another human alive isn’t for the weak.
Like any meaningful relationship, friendships require effort, energy, and intention. In the early stages of parenting, many moms see their friendships take a hit. There was a bit of anger, too, at the obvious: Women with male partners are struggling due to lack of support, and because our society continues to heap work on their backs.
According to our inbox, many of you, on both sides, are fighting for your friendships. You’re finding new ways to connect — which sometimes means replacing happy hour with an errands run. Ahead, our readers share how they’ve adjusted expectations, learned to be better communicators, and embraced a new norm.
On the mental and emotional load of motherhood…
“My mom friends are overwhelmed,” wrote Jennifer. “I don’t see them much. They are barely holding it together without the added stress of demands from friends. They are unappreciated in their kids’ schools where the events are nonstop. And when they aren’t working or doing kid stuff, they are carrying the load for their husbands — unpaid, expected emotional work on top of housework — feeding their families (which includes grocery shopping and food preparation), and cleaning up after everyone (can no one take a dirty cup to the f-ing sink?).”
On learning how to adjust old friendships to new lives…
Says Cindy: “When my friend’s son was an infant, she made it clear to me that the most helpful way to keep our friendship going during her life transition was to accompany her on errands like grocery shopping, because happy hour hangs were no longer manageable. Now that her son is a bit older and in daycare, she extends me the same grace by accompanying me on my errands and giving me a ride to big-box stores, where we catch up on life in the car. I wouldn’t have thought about turning monotonous tasks into an opportunity for connection, and I love that she and I figured out this way to keep our friendship going that honestly feels more intimate than the twice-a-year dinner catch-ups I have with other busy friends. Our friendship is way less formal these days and way more hair-down!”
Says Emily: “I am 41 (almost 42), married, no children (standard poodles forever!). I am blessed with incredible mom friends and there is no joy quite like that of being the ‘aunt’ to a whole slew of cool, interesting children. It kind of happened by accident, but somehow, my husband and I are listed in several wills in the event of catastrophe, a responsibility I don’t take lightly. I think a lot about the old Kate Hudson movie [Raising Helen], where she inherits the children of her oldest sister, while her middle sister (the “mom”) doesn’t understand. In the end, they find out that it’s because the youngest sister (Kate’s role) is the one most likely to give the children the “experience” of their mother. I have come to terms with the fact that by their very nature, these friendships are often unbalanced: these are not the people I call in an emergency or with a time-sensitive ask (or invite!) because I know their schedules are dictated by their little people. We work hard to carve out friend-on-friend time, and we’re so honored when the stars align to make it happen. I wish my beautiful, amazing, wonderful mom friends would recognize that they, too, get to invest in themselves and while finding time can be hard, I promise I’m worth it!”
On the role of child-free friends in mom’s lives…
Says Cory: “My mom friend always invites me to her kid’s birthday parties, baseball games, cheerleading, the beach, swim meets, etc. With the note, Only if you have time. Her kids see me as an auntie, a title I take very seriously — applying sunscreen at the beach, bringing glow sticks to the pool party, sharing snacks everywhere, and cheering at all the games. She also takes time to celebrate my non-kid accomplishments. Like my new rescue dog, promotions, and renovations on my home. She joins me for the things I like to do, like watching kid-free movies. She even hauled all the way across town to my theater to see the random French movie we both ended up loving. We work around each other’s lives, making post-bedtime plans, catching up on a trip to Costo or our calendared every second Tuesday monthly lunch date. She jokes that I am the admin of our friendship, but she is the hostess always inviting me into her home and life. We’ve folded each other into our lives wherever we could, both with the understanding that those lives were very full. So no hurt feelings when the kids get the flu or snow is rolling in and one of us has to cancel.”
On the misconception that child-free women dislike kids…
Says Jeanine: “I think sometimes there is this assumption that non-mom friends have no interest or desire to spend time with children and their lives. This isn’t true for me! I love kids, I love kid things like school plays and Saturday morning soccer games. I am a child-free woman and my best friend has three children. At first, it took us a long time to figure out the new rhythms of our friendship when she first became a mom. One of the most important and meaningful things about our friendship now is that I get to build friendships with her children. I often tease my friends with kids now that they are, ‘raising the next generation of my friends,’ and how excited I am for that.”
On the importance of having someone who knows you outside of motherhood…
Says Jacqui: “As a mother of young teenagers, I have relied heavily on my friendships with other mothers as we navigate the complexities of raising children. We commiserate on the shared experience of joy, exhaustion, and being cast aside by a society that seems to have lost a place for our womanhood once we’ve achieved the level they wanted us to reach. I cherish them for this. It is in my friendships with women who do not have children that I have found a safe haven with a woman who sees me as just… a woman. It is in these friendships that I have felt anchored to the person that I am outside of/despite/in rebellion with the other labels that are placed upon me. They remind me of my capabilities, my accomplishments, and my potential because they do not see the cloud that ‘mom guilt’ shades into the picture and turns into doubt. They have the gift of showing me things clearer and with fresh eyes. I cherish them for this.”