By Leslie Price
There are a lot of confusing things about getting older — like how I gleefully look forward to recycling day, or get a headache after a glass of red wine — but one thing I didn’t expect was a newfound urge to hand out advice. It’s hard to ignore this nagging feeling that I could transform the lessons I’ve learned over the past 42 years into a few words that could aid a friend. As someone who grew up with a strong mind-your-own-business mindset, this is unfamiliar and uncharted territory. I want to help – but should I? Who do I think I am?
I first started questioning my intentions when I found myself typing out and deleting multiple emails to a pregnant former colleague. I wanted to somehow transform my memories of postpartum suffering and exhaustion into words that would prevent her from having to go through the same thing. (Line up childcare! You’ll need help!) I was trying to strike a supportive and positive note while also delivering the perfect advice, but being truly honest seemed impossible. Why scare someone right before they were about to give birth? Annoyed at my conflicting impulses, I decided that I was the one who needed to seek help.
“We don’t have a great language for how to be connected without advice, which I think is unfortunate,” says clinical psychologist Lina Perl, Ph.D., who kindly let me work out my confusion with her over the phone. When you respond to a friend’s vulnerability with advice, she says, it doesn’t always bring you closer. “The greater balm is the shared struggle itself. People don’t make enough space for that.”
Tough times in life are like a marathon, explains Lina. If your friend is struggling, “you can’t pick them up and carry them across the finish line,” she says, “but you can cheer them on. You can say, ‘I know this is really hard, and I’m here for you.’”
When it comes to sharing your own experiences, I asked Lina for advice (yep) on giving advice, and she said the most important thing to keep in mind was the intention behind it. Trying to be of value to others is the goal, so instead of simply “pushing my truth towards someone else,” I should think of advice-giving as “helping someone get to their truth.” All it takes is listening – actually listening! – and then staying in a curious, reflective state, rather than hopping into problem-solving mode.
Instead of telling someone straight-up what they should or shouldn’t be doing, which can come off as controlling, ask if talking about your experience would be helpful, says Lina. Be clear that what worked for you might not necessarily work for them.
Proceed with caution when it comes to loaded topics, like marriage or parenting. Experience has taught me that bad-mouthing someone’s partner, even when you’re just trying to make your friend feel better, is almost always a bad idea. More often than not, they will end up staying with that person while remembering the negative things you said, and will be embarrassed or uncomfortable to confide in you further. And I know that I have to be careful about how I talk about parenting, which everyone has their own insecurities about. Even the most innocuous comment can poke a tender spot, like when you’re worried about your kid being behind in school and a friend talks about how theirs is such a good reader.
Sometimes I can’t help myself: After listening to my friend Claire talking about being in the potty-training trenches on her podcast a few months ago, I sent her a long voicemail that was part reassurance and part “it happened to me.” Afterward, I felt embarrassed about oversharing. (I said something along the lines of: Yes, I also think that that popular potty-training book is BS. But when we tried it and failed, I learned a lot about my kid, and now my parenting is better for it. Don’t beat yourself up.) When I saw her at a party recently and apologized, she was like, “Actually, I loved that voicemail.” I don’t know if it was the medium (emotion is much easier to convey when you’re talking, rather than over text), or the fact that I was able to be vulnerable, but in that moment it felt like we had been able to connect through a shared struggle. Parenting is hard and can be isolating; we need to support each other.
While I worry about my words coming off wrong, my friend Izzy – who is always the optimist to my pessimist – gently reminded me that some people (including her) actually enjoy advice. “It’s helpful to get other people’s ideas about how to handle a situation because they might suggest things that would never occur to you,” she says, which rings particularly true when it comes to work or career issues. “Even if you think their advice is wrong, your emotional reaction to it might inform your eventual decision.”
If we’re being honest, truly honest, maybe the reason I want to give advice is actually not that complicated. Maybe I’m just trying to say, “Don’t forget about me. I’m still here. And I’d love to talk to you.”
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