By Karen Russo
In my early 20s, I nearly married my boyfriend. We lived on Martha’s Vineyard and I pictured us raising five children there. Five seemed like the perfect number (totally delusional, I know). At the same time that I was envisioning a large family, I was also hoping to fulfill my childhood dream of being a foreign correspondent — and I couldn’t merge the two. I took a chance and accepted a reporting job in New York City. Not long after that, my boyfriend and I broke up.
My mom supported my choice, but cautioned that soon all of my friends would marry and have kids, and it might take me a long time to do the same.
She was right. I had no idea back then that it would take me almost 20 years to get married and have a child. A lot can happen in 20 years. On the most basic level, we age. And for women who hope to procreate, aging can be a problem.
“It’s a lot easier to do when you’re younger,” one New York-based OB/GYN with more than 30 years experience told me. “Everybody wants everything,” he went on. “You want a career, and to be super successful and to delay childbearing. There’s no good time; there’s always something going on.” Then, he added something which hits home for just about every old mom I know: “And the fatigue level. It’s a lot harder to run after a kid in your 40s. That’s not saying older moms aren’t fit, it just is what it is.”
Oh, how right he is. The fatigue! The fucking fatigue.
>
“Being an older mom makes you tired. So fucking tired. You could have no nanny or ten nannies and you’d still be tired”
I met my husband at 38. We fast-tracked everything — dating, marriage, pregnancy — but despite our speed, I was almost 40 (a “geriatric” mother) the day I gave birth to our son.
“Being an older mom makes you tired. So fucking tired. You could have no nanny or ten nannies and you’d still be tired,” my friend Shauna says. This is coming from a woman who has no regrets about having children later in life. A Hollywood film producer for 20 years, she didn’t have time for kids. Now, she does. And she’s exhausted.
“Sometimes I fantasize about being hit by a bus. I hope my injuries are mild, but that I’d be able to take a break and get a nice hospital bed with some warm blankets!” says my friend Emily Wax, a reporter for the Washington Post. “Sleep is the most important thing for me and I’m definitely not getting enough of it.”
“With my patients, postpartum fatigue presents itself differently from having a baby at 25 vs 45. The chief complaint from patients in their 40s is mind-numbing fatigue and feeling depleted. And you have been depleted,” says Dr. Drew Ramsey, a psychiatrist and an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons.
>
“At a birthday party for my son’s classmate, I realized that the kid’s grandmother and I were nearly the same age.”
Gynecologist Dr. Yael Swica explains that this fatigue is natural in older women because at the time older moms give birth we are (unbelievably, to some of us) close to menopause.
“Becoming a new mother when older often results in women going from one type of biopsychological upheaval to another, namely, menopause,” writes Dr. Swica to me over email. “Just when such women have finally decided to greet their reproductive capacity full on, for many the next step is to mourn its departure. This is why taking joy in what you have is so important. For some women, though, the difficulty is beyond the symbolic — it is physiologic. As the follicles (eggs) age, they begin to produce less estrogen or produce it more erratically. A low and/or widely fluctuating estrogen state by itself can cause depression and/or anxiety, mental fog, exhaustion, memory deterioration, painful sex, low libido, and bladder issues. When this is combined with lack of sleep, the stress of caring for an infant, and career and relationship stress, things can become ghoulish.”
I can relate to ghoulish. It felt like everything was harder for me than for the younger moms who had children the same age as my son. I had postpartum depression, which, anecdotally, was common among the older mothers I interviewed (studies back this up). Along with mental-health struggles, my physical health was slow to return. It took me longer to get back in shape, plus it took eight weeks for my lochia (postpartum bleeding) to end.
It also took me a long time to find parents my own age, even in NYC where older moms seem to thrive. At a birthday party for my son’s classmate, I realized that the kid’s grandmother and I were nearly the same age. My friend Clara, whom I met while I reported in India, has lived around the world with her young children and found it just as challenging overseas.
“I hated going to baby groups where I felt like the mother’s mothers. I started to avoid them in Ukraine where most of the local mothers were much younger than me,” she says. “I tend not to socialize with the parents of my daughter’s peers, but it is easy to be a part of my son’s school community without feeling like the oldest one there since the school is Pre-K through 12.”
Older parents may desperately need extra family support, but for many of us, that ship has sailed.
“My daughter’s grandparents are all in their 70s and 80s. There is very real sadness in this,” says Juliane, a journalist who had her first child in her 40s. “One grandfather has no concept of who she is, and the others who are still of sound mind are nonetheless too old to really be involved, too frail to hurl her about or plan exciting adventures with her. It’s likely that she’ll grow up with no real memory of them.”
>
“I think it’s much easier professionally to have children later because you’re established in your career and can make your own rules.”
Despite the challenges, many of the Old Moms I’ve interviewed are incredibly happy (albeit tired) and are grateful they waited. I include myself in this group.
These Old Moms say that, when they finally had children, they were more confident and appreciative of the knowledge and experiences they gained pre-child. They had fewer “what ifs” about finding the right partner or the right career or taking risks, because they had taken chances and chosen wisely. Most indicated that they were much more settled financially, personally, and professionally than they were at age 26 (the national average for giving birth).
“I think it’s much easier professionally to have children later because you’re established in your career and can make your own rules,” says my friend Cathy, who lives in Miami. “I could never have the freedom that I have now. I can get up in a meeting and say ‘I need to leave.’ That’s because I’ve put 25 years into my business.”
I am grateful for the pre-child childless time I had to explore the world and follow my dreams. Now I hope to share that joy and curiosity and travel with my son when he gets older. I just hope I stay healthy long enough to be able to do it.
The must-read newsletter for adult women. Join us!
Your Email
Subscribe