The Rough Rough Road of Gentle Parenting

By Ashley Simpo

Being pregnant in 2012, like pretty much every year since, was blissful and terrifying.  

I never really stopped to scrutinize my upbringing until 2012, when I learned I was having a boy. The same year, I watched the George Zimmerman trial unfold. It was the dominant news story, and a constant conversation within Black households. Watching Zimmerman trample the legacy of the innocent child he murdered — while contemplating how I would raise my own Black son — was painfully grounding. It’s not as if I could lock him away for safety in a bulletproof box. I decided then that I’d try to provide him with another type of protection: happiness, independence, and confidence. From the beginning, I decided my goal was to offset the inevitable abuse he’d be subjected to by the world.

So I started researching gentle parenting. As a Black person raised in the ‘90s, some of the suggested methods seemed laughable. Reasoning with a screaming two-year-old? Setting boundaries, instead of inflicting swift punishments? I could hear my relatives now, “That’s white people shit.” But what we are really saying when we make gentleness exclusive to whiteness is that people of color are inherently undeserving of patience and understanding, even in the most vulnerable phase of our lives: childhood. But gentle parenting draws on a lot of core principles that are actually quite native to non-white culture.

Mercedes Samudio, licensed psychotherapist and bestselling author of Shame-Proof Parenting, adamantly refuted the notion that gentle parenting is exclusive to one group of people. “[Gentle parenting] is really built on a foundation of attachment, nurturing, community, and support. These are all traits of collectivist cultures, of which Black parents are a part of.” Samudio went on to explain that our first step as parents—particularly those of color, but also anyone who was raised without grace—is to let go of the idea that gentle parenting is inherently not for us.  

When balancing the fate of your child’s mental health and your own childhood trauma, things can get sticky. I remember my son’s very first tantrum like it was yesterday. He was two years old and already speaking in full sentences and paragraphs (he started talking around nine months). It was dinner time, and suddenly my mild-tempered child transformed into a tiny monster loudly protesting the menu. As he threw himself on the floor and wailed, I time-traveled back to the ‘90s, and how every moment of defiance was met with a spanking. 

I had a choice: to affirm and validate his feelings, or demand obedience and submission. I knew one option would be more efficient, but the other would be more loving. So I took a deep breath, knelt down to his level and said calmly, “Orion, I see that you’re upset right now, and it’s hard to help you when we can’t talk. Do you want to go sit in your room and take a minute for yourself? Then you can come back out when you’re ready and we’ll figure out what to do about dinner.” 

To my surprise, he agreed with a tearful, “Ok, Mommy,” got up, and went to sit in his favorite chair. A few minutes later, his tiny frame appeared at the kitchen entrance. 

“I’m weddy now,” he said. I was in shock. I praised him for taking care of himself so well and  asked what would make dinner feel better. Turned out, he wasn’t objecting to spaghetti, he was objecting to the cup of water sitting beside his plate. I poured him a glass of almond milk and we went on about our evening. This marked a shift in my thinking around how to build a relationship with him. This humble approach to parenting makes space for the lessons we learn with our kids, instead of relying upon intimidation. After all, parenthood doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and neither does childhood. 

Even though gentle parenthood as an intentional method of child-rearing is gaining popularity, it’s still fraught with challenges and triggers, especially for first-generation converts. As we attempt a more gentle reality for our children, our own childhood trauma resurfaces. On social media, I often start conversations with other parents (who are predominantly Black and brown) about how they manage that tedious intersection of raising children while healing from their own childhood. The responses are always affirming, a reminder that many of us are actively doing the work by having hard conversations, not just with their kids, but with their parents.

Jasmine C., who has a four-year old son, attempts to eliminate yelling from her parenting (something she experienced in her own childhood). When she loses her patience and raises her voice, she corrects her behavior in a way that affirms them both. “Immediately after, I take a moment of silence to breathe and gather myself, then approach my son to apologize. During the apology I get eye level with him and explain that I shouldn’t have yelled and reiterate my point in a safer voice.”

Natoya Brown has two daughters aged 7 and 5, and unpacks a lot of her own upbringing as she intentionally and consciously parents her kids. Her parents, products of the Civil Rights era, leaned heavily on the importance of productivity and appreciating the opportunities that our forefathers didn’t have. “My parents are the ones who now look at snow-day school closures and say, ‘We walked to school when there was ten feet of snow on the ground,’ and my response is always, ‘Yeah, and that was probably hella dangerous.’ I don’t want my children to believe just showing up somehow determines their value.”

These Black mothers, creating their own interpretation of gentle parenting, are doing work that Samudio says will have a huge impact on their families. But it’s important to acknowledge that Black parents face a very different daily reality, and challenges, than white parents. According to Center for American Progress, “Black mothers are by far the most likely to be the primary source of economic support for their families.” And it’s difficult to draw from an empty cup. For parents who are struggling to find their footing with gentle parenting, Samudio has four tips:

1. Gentle parenting is not a judgment of what was done to you, but rather a new perspective on how to raise healthy, whole humans. Remember this as you shift and make different choices.

2. Gentle parenting is not a destination. You won’t be able to stop difficult behaviors, but this type of parenting supports you in seeing behaviors – both yours and your child’s – differently and more compassionately.

3. Start with one change – for example, managing emotions – and work on this before shifting every aspect of your parenting. Work with the issues that are 4-6 on a 10-point scale. They’re not too hard to tackle, so parents won’t get burned out before they can feel good about using this parenting style.

4. Be gentle with yourself. Interestingly enough, gentle parenting starts with being kind, empathetic, and open to mistakes with yourself. This type of parenting asks you to look inward as much as it asks you to look outward.