What Happens When You Come Out After 40?

By Leslie Price

Dr. Ginger Campbell was 60 years old when she came out as gay after her husband of almost 40 years passed away. In search of community, the longtime physician, scientist, and podcaster launched Graying Rainbows – a podcast (and private social media group) devoted to others who also come out later in life. Over the course of the project, she offered a platform for more than 40 people from many different walks of life to talk about their experiences. We spoke with Ginger about what she had learned from their stories, why it can be particularly hard to come out in midlife, and more.

Through this process of talking to so many people who have come out later in life, have you had to reckon with any ideas that you previously held about sexuality or gender?

From a scientific standpoint, we are learning that sexuality and gender identity are fluid. It’s kind of a weird situation because the community picked a political strategy, which is: We’re born this way, and therefore, you should not discriminate against us. They were fighting against the idea that people “choose” to be gay. However, it’s not as simple as that. It appears that, for many people, it can change over time. 

There’s so much bittersweetness to so many of these stories, especially when people are debating on whether or not to come out because they fear losing everything. Particularly for women with young children, or those who have financial dependence.

In terms of women with children, what has struck me is that children handle it pretty well. It’s the divorce they have trouble with. I don’t know what happens if you are in a very conservative religious community. 

You have to be patient. Don’t assume that whatever happens the first time you tell someone is the permanent condition of your relationship. A lot of people said the person they expected to be supportive freaked out, and the person they expected to be a problem was supportive. It’s hard to predict how people will act. Remember, most feel blindsided. Especially if it’s your spouse – they can feel like, was our marriage a lie? So you have to give people time.

The story that sticks out for me was an ex-Mormon who talked about how it took her years, but she finally was able to reestablish a relationship with her parents. They realized that they still loved her, even though they didn’t change their beliefs about being gay.

If somebody reacts poorly, give them space and keep the door open for the future – that was another important lesson. It probably won’t go down the way you think. Give the people around you time to absorb. And most people have a bad spot, right? Especially if they come from a belief system where it’s really considered evil, they [may] have a really bad stretch before their family can maybe come around.

The other side of that is, you learn you may have to cut people out of your life. It’s definitely not simple. You find out who your friends really are. 

It’s not until you’re in your fifties that you start to get a long-range view of things, where you see [that] this may not seem so important to me in a few years. People in their seventies or eighties tend to be even better about putting things into perspective. It’s probably those in their thirties and forties, in particular, that really struggle with being able to truly be patient, especially in a culture where we think everything’s supposed to happen right now. 

You started this project out of a desire to create a community for yourself, but also for other people who come out later in life – because a lot of the focus on “coming out” is on younger people. What were you looking for that would’ve helped you when you came out?

A better way to connect with others. For example, I had a lot of lesbian friends, but when I went to them and said, “if I wanted to date, how would I meet somebody” – these were people that I’ve been friends with for 20 or 30 years. A lot of them were in long-term relationships. They were all like, I don’t know, I haven’t dated in 30 years. I couldn’t find anybody that could give me any advice, or a better way of meeting other people that are older. 

That would be the main thing. I haven’t met anyone yet, by the way.

That’s hard. I started dating before the age of dating apps, so I can’t imagine trying to date now. I think it would be a really challenging landscape.

I was talking to a young, straight man the other day at work (because I’m a physician and I train younger doctors), and he was talking about how it’s actually gotten to the point where it’s almost considered weird to ask somebody on a date in-person, which is kind of disturbing. I don’t think that would happen for people older than him. 

You share your story in one of the earliest episodes of the podcast, and in a more recent episode you spoke more about your marriage and your realization that you were gay about four years into it. You were married for almost 40 years, right? Have you processed more about your coming-out journey while doing the show? 

The main change that I’ve seen over the time that I did the show was just becoming aware of how siloed the community seems to be. We need to think about what we have in common instead of being so focused on what’s different. That’s why I’ve tried so hard on my show to have a mixture of guests – men, women, transgender people, people of color – because I really wanted to communicate the idea that it’s about what we have in common, not about what our differences are.

Of course, during the pandemic, dating or trying to meet anybody sort of became like, oh, that’s not happening now. I can’t tell you the number of emails I got from some of the people I interviewed about how they were just stuck, because they came out and then the world shut down. I got an email from one person who said they came out and they were going to go on a world tour or something and then covid hit and they were out with nothing to do.

A lot of episodes tackle the challenges of coming out when you’ve been in a loving marriage. What kind of feedback and reader mail do you get from listeners? I assume that some people haven’t come out because they don’t want to hurt their partner.

I’ve gotten emails from people of all ages, even people in their twenties. A lot of them, especially from guys who are in long-term relationships, are about how they really don’t want to hurt their wife. They’re struggling with how they can be true to themselves and not hurt this person that they still love deeply. I think this is something underappreciated by younger people, especially since they don’t really have experience with these kinds of long-term relationships – I’m talking 20+ years. That’s not even on their radar.

They may have a spouse who has health issues and they need to care for this person. And when people do come out in relationships, it can go in any direction. The most important lesson is: You don’t know ahead of time what’s going to happen. 

I read Carren Strock’s book, Married Women Who Love Women, back in the ‘90s (it’s in its third edition now). She’s in a relationship where there’s a woman and her husband. I don’t think many people could pull that one off. But the point is, there’s just so much diversity.

I’ve gotten lots of emails from people who are not out for a variety of reasons, the most common being a relationship where they don’t want to hurt the other person. The second one, of course, is women who have children, because they’re worried about losing custody and you know, that situation is going downhill fast. Florida seems to be trying to go back to the Anita Bryant days. Actually, Florida’s anti-LGBTQ history goes way back to the Lavender Era.

The thing that’s strange about women, compared to men, is that lots of times I listen to women and they’re describing their marriages and it’s like, this is a bad marriage. But still, they feel guilty because they’ve discovered that they’re gay. They can’t seem to separate that out and say, oh, this is a bad marriage and the fact that I happen to be queer is a separate issue. I don’t know the solution to that, it’s just something I’ve observed. Whereas men seem to be able to rationalize [things]. I don’t ever hear from a guy who says I’m in a bad marriage, but I’m going to stay in it anyway. But women do. And it’s not just about financial dependence. 

You’ve mentioned that when you came out, people were like, “What took you so long to realize?” And that was a comment that you really didn’t need or appreciate. I’m wondering what would have been helpful for people to say or do to support you during that time?

The most important thing for most people, and I think this probably would’ve helped me too – if the person’s in a situation where they’re struggling with rejection from somebody important in their life, the best thing you can do is say: Hey, I’m going to be there for you. You’re still my friend. This doesn’t change anything about how I feel about you. Those are important things to say, because I think a lot of people worry that they’re going to be seen differently.

Being older when I came out, I was less worried about that than I probably would’ve been when I was younger. But if somebody’s going through a hard time with their family, [it’s helpful] just to know that there’s somebody – anybody – that’s in their corner.

When my husband died, I had a friend who was also a widow. She was a big support to me. And it was because she’d sort of been there. Sometimes people just need somebody to talk to. Not fix it; that’s what guys do wrong. They always think that if you want to talk about something, that means they should try to fix it. 

One of the guests mentioned the loss of heterosexual privilege that she had experienced when she was married to a man. Did you feel that?

My friend who was a widow for many years talked about the fact that once her husband died, she was no longer part of a couple and that’s really the heterosexual privilege that I think a lot of women are thinking about. I didn’t experience that because people [weren’t] surprised [when I came out] because I’m not very feminine presenting. People assumed I was gay, and I grew up in a time when it was literally “don’t ask, don’t tell.” 

Do you have any advice for people who might be questioning or starting to realize things about their marriage or their relationships or themselves?

First off, I’d say you need to separate your own sexuality from the question of whether your marriage is working. It seems like a lot of women meet somebody and it makes them aware of feelings that they did not know that they had. If you have that experience, you should honor it as being real and give yourself room to explore. We know there’s really good evidence that women’s sexuality is fluid.