L Miller is the owner and stylist of River Salon in Brooklyn, New York.
“I have never liked my name. I remember telling my mom when I was five that I didn’t like it. But it’s layered for me. My parents each dated somebody named Leslie before they met which, to be completely honest, is pretty fucking weird that they then decided that was an appropriate name for their child. It set the tone, on top of me not liking it.
I come from a very Southern upbringing. As a preteen who knew that I was different from probably 6, 7, 8 years old, I would tell people that I was going to get divorced because I only knew about marriage between a man and a woman…and divorce. So I thought I would get divorced. I didn’t know that gay people existed and were functioning members of society. I just knew it was ‘wrong.’ My parents and family members would imitate an ‘effeminate’ male voice and tell me that that was wrong. And kids are cruel, and they can find something to make fun of – they would say Leslie Lesbian. As somebody who struggled with feeling different, it was something I was incredibly self-conscious about.
I came out at 22, and that stopped bothering me. I [was in] a pretty tumultuous relationship with my parents over it. My dad is a priest and my mom has definitely made her choice as to where she fits in that matter. I ended up kind of divorcing my parents in an email after a series of events. I’ve had a lot of therapy.
I was raised Episcopalian and my dad was originally ordained as Episcopal priest. I didn’t grow up with him that way. He was in sales, and now he’s selling Jesus. When the Episcopalian religion was ordaining gay bishops, that was too much for him. He went to Anglican, which is more conservative. So that’s what we’re working with. It’s intense.
There were abusive interactions with them and after a series of events, it was harming to my authentic self to be in contact with them in any kind of way. It’s not for lack of trying. It’s been like 16 years of trying. At some point, you have to draw the line.
Last summer, I received something from my parents that they had left at my sister’s place. I call it ‘the dead box.’ It was everything that I would’ve gotten when my parents died.
There was no letter with it. It was my grandmother’s silver and there was jewelry. When my dad was ordained (he went to school in Tennessee), we went to the Jack Daniel’s distillery on a tour, just the two of us. We had a great time and he bought a commemorative bottle of whiskey and said, ‘now Les, when I die, this’ll be yours.’ And I was like, ‘oh dad,’ because I was like 21. (I wasn’t out at that time. I moved to New York and it took me six months [to realize] oh, I’m just really fucking gay). But in the dead box was that bottle of whiskey.
With a Southern upbringing, your name is a lot. Your last name is associated with your daddy’s name and people automatically know your family and where you’re from. And I just felt very disconnected from both; it’s something that I can’t 100% describe. I didn’t know that people could like their name, or feel happy when they heard it called. When I got the dead box, something just shifted in me and I was just like, I can’t be called this. I can’t.
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Over the course of the last year, initially I [started to go by] L. Leslie is androgynous and can go male or female. And to me, L is similar. You don’t know if I’m a girl or a boy and it doesn’t matter. That felt good. And then, my great-grandmother is one of my spirit guides, somebody that I look to and really relate to. Her name is Lucille. [Choosing her name] on my terms was very empowering.
I’m really taking lessons from young kids. It sounds so cliche, but it’s true. I see these kids who, you know, I’m cutting their parents’ hair or I’m cutting their hair, and they’re like, ‘I’m going by X now. I like this better.’ And I’m like, oh shit, why can’t I do that? Why do I have to be called a name that I have a visceral reaction to hearing?
I changed it legally, and I ended up taking my partner’s last name. We’re not married yet, but one: I’m not doing this more than once. And two: My dad actively speaks out against the LGBTQ community. I didn’t need to carry the name of somebody who actively speaks out against me, and my chosen family and friends. And here, in my partner’s family, I have a family who loves and accepts me and us.
When I told my accountant [about changing my name] – she’s a 60-something woman from the Bronx and she doesn’t mess around – I thought she was going to be like, that’s ridiculous. But she said, ‘When I got divorced, I stood up one day in my accounting office and I said, “I am no longer Joanne Newman. I am Joanne Fleming!”’ She went back to her maiden name and that was it. And I will tell you, she has not called me my former name since then.
I’ve been really surprised with women of that age. They’ve seen a lot and have been through all the bullshit. My mother-in-law is one of my biggest champions. If somebody calls me Leslie, she’s like, ‘it’s L.’ And kids who are in their 20s and younger are super quick to get it. People my age – I’m 39 – are obviously very supportive. But some have never had to deal with anything like that in their life. And so they don’t 100% understand it. With some, it takes them a long time to remember to say a different name.
It’s hard to not take it personally. You’re opening up about something which is obviously very personal, and then people don’t remember it. But everybody’s very supportive.
I told one of my really good friends this last winter about the name thing, and she was like, of course you don’t want to be called that. It’s directly linked to the trauma related to your parents. Why would you want to be reminded of that all the time? That kind of helped give me the permission. That’s not to say that when I had therapy about it, I wasn’t wondering, am I having a midlife crisis? Are people going to think I’ve taken a quick dive off the deep end? I have a business, I have people who know me as a certain name. Is this going to be weird for them? Is this going to be weird for me?
Because it is so emotional for me. But I can’t live in that space and I have to do it because the alternative of hearing a name that made me sad for the rest of my life was not a possibility.
Before I came out originally, I didn’t know that living a life different from what my parents expected of me, or what society at that point expected of me, was an option. I’m very female-presenting, so initially I guess I didn’t fit what people thought a lesbian looked like. This has felt like a second coming out, where it’s healing the trauma from not being who my parents thought I was or who they wanted me to be. And taking the control and power back in that way for myself.”