By Laura Barcella
I know that seeking out community is important. I just don’t want to.
I’ve never been much of a joiner. I’m an introvert who prefers hanging out with Netflix and my cats. But I’ve always been deeply sustained by close friendships, and growing up, I had a lot of them. Now, in mid-life, I feel lonely way too often, and during the COVID-19 pandemic, a number of my friendships fizzled out. What’s a single, child-free 49-year-old woman to do?
“Making friends in your 30s, 40s, and 50s is much more challenging because the conditions that used to manufacture friendship for us, like being in the same class at school, sharing a dorm room, having the same job…start to disappear,” says Dr. Suzanne Wallach, PsyD and LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist in Los Angeles. “We [also] tend to get pickier, more selective, and guarded as we age. Having been burned or hurt by past relationships and friendships, putting yourself out there and being vulnerable feels scary or destabilizing.”
Here are some approaches I tried, considered trying, or cannot try — but will suggest in case you can.
A friendship app
A few years ago, I signed up for Bumble’s BFF app, which lets you “match” with potential friends. It felt awkward swiping left and “rejecting” possible buddies, and I wasn’t sure what criteria to use to gauge someone’s friendship potential (other than assessing their hobbies and general vibes).
I met one woman for Mexican food and margaritas, and it was incredibly awkward. It felt forced, like a date neither of us wanted to be on. Despite not clicking, I hung out with her again a few weeks later just to see if the friendship spark could grow. Alas, it did not, and we stopped hanging out shortly thereafter.
A few months ago I met a woman on BFF who was actually cool — we had a lot in common, and the conversation at our first meetup flowed smoothly. The only awkward moments? Trying to find each other at the bar, and deciding whether to hug each other hello. We’ve hung out a few times since that initial meeting, and things have continued to go well in our burgeoning friendship.
A neighborhood Facebook group
In 2023, a woman in my Brooklyn neighborhood launched a local Facebook group for single women in their forties. Because it was based in my area, even as a non-joiner, I felt I had nothing to lose. The first meetup I attended was difficult; it seemed like everyone else was clicking with each other, while I felt separate and uncomfortable.
I organized the next group meetup myself — drinks at a local wine bar — and it flowed better. I connected with one woman I later became genuine friends with (we still see each other every two to three weeks). However, there were two women at the meetup whom I didn’t particularly like — they seemed exceptionally clique-y — and they ended up becoming an issue for me at future events. It felt like junior high school all over again, and I eventually stepped back from the group.
Be a regular
When Divya Gugnani, 49, moved to Miami from New York City five years ago, she was forced to start over in the friendship department. One of her approaches was to simply show up regularly at the same places at the same time. “Friendship is a byproduct of proximity plus repetition,” Gugnani, the founder of 5 Sens, says. “The single highest-return move … is to pick one thing that already happens on a schedule and simply keep showing up to it. The same Tuesday class, the same coffee shop at the same hour, the same walking path. You do not have to talk to anyone for the first month. Familiarity does the opening work for you.”
When Gugnani became a regular at a local coffee shop near her home in Miami, she grew friendly with the staff, as well as making actual, real-life friends. “One of the friends I made at Crema is another mom who goes there for the same reason I do. She is escaping the madness in her own house so she can work and take her meetings. We were both there for entirely practical reasons, not to meet anyone, and that is exactly why it worked.”
I like this idea in theory, but in reality I haven’t often made friends in places where I was a regular. For instance, I religiously attended an exercise class multiple times per week and I’d see the same people there repeatedly, but no one ever talked to me (or vice versa). I think that’s partly because of the class’s general clientele; the women in the classes struck me as “fancy,” and intimidation prevented me from trying to strike up a conversation.
Reach back out to someone you’ve lost touch with
“You may be in different phases of life right now, but you have a solid foundation and can probably get something very beautiful out of [reconnecting with an old friend],” says Lauren Tetenbaum, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in women’s reproductive mental health.
While I agree with this, it can be hard to pick up the phone and call or text a friend you haven’t spoken with in years. To ease back in, you could try sending them a meme or a funny Instagram reel with a quick note (“this reminded me of you”) before opening up further dialogue. Sounds easy enough, so why haven’t I been able to do it? There are plenty of old friends I miss and think about often, but for whatever reason, I freeze up when I consider reaching out to them again. What if they have no interest in hearing from me?
A travel group
There are loads of group travel companies explicitly aimed at women over 40. Signing up for a group trip with a bunch of strangers might initially sound like one’s personal vision of hell, especially if you’re an introvert. But it can be an excellent, out-of-your-comfort-zone way to meet new people and bond over shared experiences. “There’s no drama, no cliques, and no expectation that you have to participate in every activity,” says Leslie Coleman, the founder of Suitcase Gals, a women-focused travel company specializing in small-group, luxury travel for 40+ women.
I’ve been personally intrigued by the idea of a group trip for the past few years. In fact, I plan on signing up for one as soon as I’ve determined which kind of trip would be right for me.
Extend small, low-stakes invitations
Instead of taking a leap and asking a new acquaintance to a sit-down dinner, try a smaller-scale invite. “Make your ask smaller than what feels natural,” Divya Gugnani suggests. “Text a link to something, ask a specific question you actually want the answer to, say you are walking on Saturday morning if she wants to come. Low-stakes invitations are easy to accept and easy to decline, which is exactly why they work.”
Again, this is one of those things that sounds easier than it is, at least if you’re me. I did recently try it, though — I sent an Instagram post about an upcoming local event to a newer friend (as in, we met in the past year or so) to ask if she was going. Not if she wanted to go, per se, but if she was already planning to go. When she responded that she wasn’t planning on it but would consider going together, I eagerly accepted the invite before realizing I couldn’t go after all because I’d be out of town that weekend. Then I felt annoyed at myself for passively inviting her to an event that I couldn’t attend anyway. Womp womp.
Try a professional networking group
“I made a conscious effort to join several professional women’s networking groups in town when I first moved here [to Cambridge, MA] for work,” says Paige Arnof-Fenn, 60. Though she originally joined said groups to grow her business (she’s the founder of Mavens and Moguls, a network of marketing professionals), she also ended up making some solid friendships along the way. “In one group I found a few fellow business owners who also like going to spas, so we started going together on an annual retreat, which has been great. Another group gets away each winter to warm spots in Central and South America. It has been wonderful to make friends in my 40s and 50s who I can both enjoy as people and also talk shop with.”
Networking groups sound a bit awkward to me, but that’s probably because I haven’t ever attended one. I’ve never been someone who was obsessed with their career, and I associate networking groups with high-powered, brainiac types who went to Ivy League schools and excel at literally everything.
The final lesson: Be willing to tolerate some discomfort
Making and keeping new friends is an ongoing process. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but you might be the one who has to suck it up and extend the invitations. “Everyone in midlife is waiting to be invited,” Gugnani says. “The women with full social lives are almost always the ones doing the inviting, and they get turned down constantly. That is the actual skill. Not charisma, just tolerance for being the one who reaches out.”
Midlife women are busy! We’re juggling tons of competing priorities — work, aging parents, growing kids (if we’ve got ‘em). It can be hard to find time to squeeze people in. If it seems difficult to make plans with a new friend, don’t assume they don’t want to see you; it might just take a minute to firm up a plan. Don’t give up or write them off.
Just like a partner can’t fill every one of your emotional needs, a friend can’t fill every hole in your social life. So allow some friendships to be one-dimensional. “A gym friend, a work friend, a school pickup friend, a book friend…Four shallow friendships will carry you through a hard year better than the search for one perfect one,” says Gugnani.
Though I still feel lonely sometimes, I’m also cognizant of the fact that I’m lucky to have the small but steady circle of friends that I do. Still, there’s always room for more. I’ve learned that though making friends in midlife can absolutely feel daunting, it is possible; you just have to be willing to veer the tiniest bit outside your comfort zone.