By Denise K. James
For decades, everyone gathered at my grandmother’s house for Christmas. We lost her in 2020, but not much has changed. We still eat my grandmother’s breakfast casserole – now made by my sister – before opening gifts, as well as her dinner side dishes.
Every Christmas Eve unfolds with the same rhythm, even after her passing. First, my two uncles, aunt, and cousins will arrive at my mom’s house about 20 minutes before church, ask if I want to go, then scurry off to the crowded 5 p.m. “children’s service.” Afterward, they come back to mom’s, we eat delivery pizza (since we have our big meal the next day), and sit around making small talk for an hour or so before everyone calls it a night.
In an essay for Psychology Today, Sophia Dembling writes about how she couldn’t touch the box of ornaments that she and her husband, Tom, had collected together over the years after he died. She ended up buying new ornaments and planning new experiences as a “re-invention for herself.”
Re-invention for an entire family feels harder, even though we’re a small group of eight. Now that our original power center – my grandmother – is missing, it’d be logical for someone else to take over. But no one seems willing to. Instead, we all take a small piece. Uncle Joe tosses a few colored lights over the bushes outside; my sister Marie fixes the casserole; Uncle Phil buys snacks and pizza for Christmas Eve. It feels half-hearted and cobbled, and I find myself wondering if some new traditions – a re-invention, as Dembling says – would breathe new life into our family holiday. The question is, how do we start new traditions? And would I offend anyone by suggesting them?
According to April Ward, a licensed professional counselor with Brighter Day Therapy, the best way to start is by blending old and new together so that certain traditions honor family history and others keep the holidays from feeling stale. It’s no secret that the holidays are a harder time for grief, and family members may feel like certain customs need to stay put since relatives worked hard to establish them, Ward says.
My grandmother was the “Queen of Christmas” and without her, my family feels widowed. She’d complete her shopping early, finish cooking days ahead, set up snacks on Christmas Eve, and would put out plates, coffee mugs, and sugar bowls on Christmas morning so we didn’t rummage through her cabinets. She liked things a certain way – for better or for worse – and our family takes special consideration of her preferences to this day. I’ll never forget those first couple of Christmases without her when we woefully ate my uncle’s scrambled eggs instead of the baked casserole.
Obviously, death isn’t the only reason a holiday routine can come to a screeching halt, or a family member can feel less than enthusiastic. Other life challenges, including heartbreak, can also make this time a year a downer. In Christine Pride’s recent essay “The Fragile Heart’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays,” published in Cup of Jo, the author shares her holiday survival plan post-breakup.
“Acknowledging your negative emotions helps other people to feel less alone,” Pride writes. “After all, the loneliest part of feeling down is when you think everyone else is giddily sipping cranberry spritzes, and you are the only sad person on Earth.”
Rituals aren’t the only way to keep someone’s memory alive. Ward suggests that family members share fun stories about the person and lead by example. Instead of putting another family member on the spot to talk about someone who is missed, share your own story first – just keep it positive.
“Don’t be afraid to use their name in conversation. Saying things like, ‘Mom loved this way of folding the napkins,’ or ‘Pat always used to sing this song,’ can bring their presence into the room naturally,” she says. These conversations can help families figure out new ways to honor people they miss.
Finally, if there’s a new tradition you want to introduce but it’s not tied to family history, Ward suggests going with a casual touch. Recommend a movie you want to see or a drive around town to look at holiday lights: something fun that everyone can either easily join or skip without guilt. If you have younger children in the family, it’s even easier to get people excited about a new idea. Then, pay attention to what everyone keeps talking about later to see if the idea sticks. If it does, congratulations – you have a new tradition in the making.